Carolyn: I recently heard that it is common for women whose fathers have left to end up attracted to “unavailable” men.
My dad left when I was in college (about 10 years ago) and now I see that I fit the pattern of being attracted to men with whom there is no long-term potential. Is this a common phenomenon? If so, how do I break the cycle?
Va.
It is hugely common, I think. Put it into a larger (and for you, probably more objective) context and maybe it’ll click for you: Instead of a woman whose father has left, think of a child of a demanding parent.
That child often grows into a perfectionist type who seeks out mates who are hard to please and then tries to please them. Cast that way, does it sound familiar?
You would think it was counterintuitive why would we seek out the thing that made us miserable in youth, instead of running the other way? but it makes sense. People unwittingly seek out what is familiar to them emotionally.
If your home was run by a bully, then being bullied by a mate will feel normal, like “home.” Then, once people re-create their unhappy circumstances, they get down to the real business of dysfunction: staying mired there while they make a fruitless effort to get it “right” this time, to master whatever it is that left them feeling so helpless or out of control as a kid.
To break the cycle you have to see it; trace its roots; face, with brutal honesty, what you do to perpetuate it; and learn new habits. It can take one epiphany or years of therapy, but it can be done.
Carolyn: How do you determine whether your friends’ bad behavior behavior that’s hurting other people, not you is any of your business? I know you have a strong leaning toward “none of your business” in a lot of these situations.
But what about with friends who you know to be good, decent, well-meaning people but perhaps a little careless/clueless/naive/im-mature? The situations I have in mind involve guy friends who are either stringing women along or attempting to date multiple women in the same social circles.
Washington
My “none of your business” leanings definitely kick in when it comes to: meddling with people to whom we aren’t close; acting on hunches as opposed to facts; assuming others will think like us.
For example, if you know X dates Y and see Y having a touchy-feely moment with Z, and X is an acquaintance of yours but not close, then you butt out. What would you even say? (You also tell no one else, unless it’s somehow in X’s best interests.) I also think it isn’t our business to change people’s personalities, character, quirks, even flaws.
But what you’re talking about is making people close to you aware they may be hurting others. That’s fair game: You’re a friend, so you have standing; you have actual knowledge of the circumstances; you’re pointing out something helpful; and there’s nothing in it for you. Go for it.
If they ignore you, though, then you’re stuck with its not being your business any more except, of course, as it applies to deciding whether to keep them as friends.
amp,habit
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